Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Does beer think about me too?

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”