@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

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@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

@charliedelta7

I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

@SleepingSuspect

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

@4Crocs

I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.

@truegritrumble

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.