Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
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Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.