Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

They got Raph!

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

kitchen magnet

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want