Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…