Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight