Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

Never deleting this app.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.