Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

i think both sides are to blame here

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

I can also cook 😂

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.