Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.