Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Ha.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”