Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?