Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
You Might Also Like
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Family Celebrity
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*limbos away from your hug*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area