Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.