Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

#Caturday

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.