Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.