Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

😂

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.