me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.