Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
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BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.