Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.