Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.