ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.