Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits