*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me