*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Me : where are you going?

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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in


Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it


At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering


My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.


A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves


Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.


Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.


Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.


Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants