The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Me : where are you going?
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Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants