Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions