Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Hoping to spice up my evening

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Dance like you’re not the father

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?