Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?