Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???