Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.