Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving