Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
When you’ve simply given up.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat