Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.