Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now