@ShootyDoody

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

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@notalogin

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@InternetHippo

murderer: line up single file so I can murder you in the most efficient way

me to the guy in line behind me: I like that he’s a businessman

@causticbob

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

@briangaar

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

@dtrainboy

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

@Book_Krazy

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

@954LeenO

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@rage_chaos

I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.