Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.