Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

your elf on the shelf was delicious

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?