Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks