Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

did it work

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

When your parents check you’re ok.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.