@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

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@Fred_Delicious

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

@KeetPotato

[on date]
girl: “id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married”
henry the eighth: “our food sure is taking a while”

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

@SentenceReduced

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

@trojansauce

KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?

@TheBoydP

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

@warne888

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@Eden_Eats

SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.