Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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girl: “id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married”
henry the eighth: “our food sure is taking a while”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
Me: I did not see this coming
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.
ME: This is a service burrito.