Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists