Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Name another movie that mislead you?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
SPLOOT
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt