Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

😂😂

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.