Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.