Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saturday

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her