Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win