Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
finally found a reasonable question