Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Oh yeah that’s it
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Stop sending me this shit.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.