me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
You Might Also Like
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
mood
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday