me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
How to draw a duck
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog