Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.