Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first matador

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

…u ok Nintendo?

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist