Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?