me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
me, after any kind of buffet.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
