Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Its true…

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Mornin

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

it must be school picture day

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good