Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Home #decor warning.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.