Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Never deleting this app.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)