Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.