Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH