Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

I fixed it. For me

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.