me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Zack Greinke stories are the best
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
That’s not how days work.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’m awake but I object,
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’m giving up for Lent.