Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.