Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Uh oh 👀

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.