Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

The sacred texts.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

i love meeting boys on tinder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.