Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.