Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

All right then, keep your secrets

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor