Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Finally

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Voting for coroner

These are so Plastic Man-core