Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
the composer
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made