Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

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