Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

You better wish for more oil

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.