Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I like crazy people until they notice me
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
This is true.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap