ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.