ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
President The Rock Obama
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.