*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
This meal prepping shit easy
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.