me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Suuuuure
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
